Making Out

A friend recounted a story of an intimate moment interrupted by his partner suddenly asking a question about lyrics.

"And then we both thought of you. Because of your misheard lyrics posts. Not because of anything weird."

Awkward pause.

Clearly the next logical question was...

"What song?"

I wasn't familiar with it, and upon hearing it, was puzzled.

"That's a bit faster than anything I'd play during an unspecified intimate moment."
"Um, well, it has a good beat."

I refrained from further questions.

But it did remind me to review my make-out playlist. It's an odd thing. I have no idea what I was thinking on some of these tracks, which clearly belong on a "sex it up" playlist, not a "make out" list.

And just to randomly drop some tracks on you,

"Clouds Up" - Air




"You Do" - Aimee Mann



"Les Professionnels" - Air

JUST THE FIRST TWO MINUTES!!!



"Sleepwalk" - Santo & Johnny



"Wicked Game" - Chris Isaak




"Ain't No Sunshine" - Bill Withers




"Justify My Love" - Madonna




"Something's Gotta Give" - Beastie Boys
(well, until I watched this video, anyway)

On Rabbits

So rabbit-style vibrators were featured on Sex and the City.  I missed it because I don't watch the show.  I wanted to like it, but never could get into it.  Thus, I don't know the context, but I do know that it's an honest-to-goodness sex meme now.


I don't remember how the Rabbit Vibrator came up yesterday, but it did, which reminded me of a long ago conversation:

K:  Are you threatened by vibrators?
Me: Well, I'm pro-orgasm.   So no, I guess not.

I'm still wondering if a question like that is me being evaluated for sexual compatibility.  If so, it didn't work.

But back to the present, I did get to use my hands as a model yesterday, which led me to this wonderful statement:

Me:  [staring at interlocking fingers] Of course, this isn't to scale.
MM:  We know.

Which also reminds me:

D: I'm bummed that I don't show up in your blog any more.

My new response, "You're not asking the right questions."

Quotable

From The Cold Bath, a really interesting series of conversations with Mr. Anonymous.

Michael Blieden: There was a girl who, in college, I wanted her so badly. I mean, I just... I, I... For years... And I worked on her, and we became friends, and we got closer and closer... And then this spark developed, and we made out a couple times. And then finally, she came to visit me in New York and ... It could have happened. And in my mind, I thought "Well, after I have an orgasm, then I'm really going to have to engage with this person."

Mr. Anonymous: In fact, this has summed up every man's thinking. That's the phrase that says it.

Blieden: And I sort of did the math in my head of what that afterglow moment was going to be like, and I knew that I would be a million miles away. And at the brink, I just...

Wow. Worked on her for years, THEN I'm really going to have to engage....

Shaving

OK, just so we're clear, this post is about sex toys, not shaving. I had a conversation recently where the topic of vibrators came up organically.

[We enter a Brookstone.]

Me: Oh, look, they sell vibrators here. [Yeah, that's what passes for me bringing things up organically]
She: No, those are massagers.
Me: OK, that might be a massager.

What the heck do you massage with that?

Me: And if that's a massager, why aren't they showing how it's used in the picture?

I always get all the snappy lines when I re-tell a story, if you haven't happened to notice the pattern.

I recall this article about the semi-disposable razor as a thinly veiled vibrator, and end up driving to a supermarket to prove that I'm not making up wild stories.

Sure enough, the women's model has the vibrating bit in the handle, not the head of the shaver. Just a quick tip for those who want to avoid the embarrassment of a TSA officer pulling your vibrator out of your luggage. Or perhaps those who live with roommates or family. These things have plausible deniability.

We left the store without making a purchase.

Days later, I have an interesting discussion about Passion Parties, selling sensual products and sex toys in a model similar to the Tupperware Party. A friend has started doing this as a side-business and we discuss how different people have different comfort levels in that situation. It's basically aimed at women, and I really only see positives when it comes to people exploring and enhancing their sexuality with their partners.

Is it weird that I knew what all the products which were described to me were?

A Question I Was Hoping Not To Ponder

Would you consider a serious relationship with someone knowing she believed in premarital chastity?

I've been agonizing over this question for the past week or so. Not so much about the question itself, but whether answering it in a public venue was a good idea. And of course once I realized the nature of my discomfort, I had to face it straight-on. Sometimes I don't like the way my brain works.

Until someone actually asked me the question (thanks bunches for putting me on the spot, by the way), I thought the answer would be a clear no. I think I've written before about what I think about casual sex vs. premarital sex in general, but it bears repeating that I'm on board with the idea of sex being best in a committed, caring relationship. I'll also repeat that I think it very strange to completely cut off such a integral part of our humanity over what seems like outdated, puritanical impulses. I think I've mellowed a little in my attitudes during my recent exposure to other traditions and cultures, but by that I mean I have more respect, when before I thought they were just silly. Are they for me? Probably not.

But in the final analysis, I think the choice is a false one. That is, who ever gets to make a decision like that without having a certain amount of investment in the relationship already? There's really no way of knowing how serious a relationship is going to be at the outset, is there? And not even starting one over an issue like sex feels extremely petty to me, almost like not making a friend just because she isn't going to sleep with you. Not quite that, but close. Do I think it would be a potential source of friction? Well, honestly, yes (No, not that way. Ok, that way too).

Friends are definitely not a help here. I don't think I've ever asked about any of my closest friends' sex lives. And asking my married friends outside of traditions like LDS about whether they even faced that decision? Can't imagine it, except in the most passive, hinted at, blog-related, anonymous-comment ways. And now that I think about it, some of my older friendships are with people who probably don't read my blog (I feel as awkward telling someone I'm a blogger now as I do telling them I'm a Quaker!). Wait, I did have a friend describe a committed relationship as starting out with "and then she seduced me," but I certainly didn't ask. I had some very valuable insight from my last post on sexual morality, but certainly not from facing this specific issue.

Wait, maybe I'm making a false assumption on that front. I assumed that the original questioner was asking me a hypothetical (though now that I think about it, I should probably confirm that), and there isn't a really good reason not to pose this question to my friends, married or single. Hey, what a good reason to tell my friends I have a blog! Ok, remember to delete that before telling anyone. Ok, resolved that I will advertise this post to my friends who don't know I have a blog.

This certainly doesn't cover all traditions that I've come across, but there's something about making the sex act dirty, depraved, and associated with guilt that I've never understood. Maybe that's just an upbringing thing. "Sex is sinful" is another point that I'm able to brush aside. It just doesn't ring true with me, and explaining why is probably redundant.

Someone commented to me that premarital sex is linked with promiscuity, but in my mind, the two issues are separate. Possibly related, but separate and a different conversation. So it's not like the choices are "no sex, or pro-orgy [thanks for the phrasing]."

Another interesting idea is that it's a red flag for a general values mismatch. That's a bit more troubling, and probably requires more thought. In general, I think that good communication can overcome that, but thinking that communication and intellectualizing are the solutions for all problems is probably my Achilles Heel.

I have to admit that part of my ego tells me it wouldn't actually be an issue. Maybe I have too much faith in my devilish tongue (No, not that way. Ok, that way too). What a horrible thing to think, but it's in my head and I'm writing it. On the other hand, there's a lot that can go wrong with convincing someone to reject what can be an important cultural/religious tradition. Success in that case can't be just having sex, it has to be about the other person actually being ok with the decision long-term. Or else, it's just being a jerk. The 20-year-old me who lives inside my head is arguing very strongly with me, but that's the way I feel.

Yeah, I'd better delete that entire last paragraph too. Way too embarrassing.

So I'm throwing this out there to all my ... legions of readers to get their feedback. I'm sure there's some thoughts that haven't passed through my mind. Some considerations I haven't made. Some cultural justifications to premarital chastity I don't know about. Etc. Bring it on, and remember you can always do so anonymously.

And for my old friends reading my blog for the first time, yes, this is really what goes on in my head. And I apologize for that. :-)

I Don't Know What I Beleive Pt. 2

I've been considering the question of sexual morality recently since it's been brought up by more than one LDS-backgrounded friend.

What is the Quaker position on premarital sex?

Deep breath. I take this question as neither an invitation to have sex nor an invitation to get married. Of course, the important thing here is what is my position? Maybe I just say that because I don't know the official Quaker position off the top of my head.

There is a late-teen memory which flashes into my head. I spent the summer before my senior year making some really intense friendships at a summer camp run by the Junior Statesmen Foundation (Stanford 1990 represent!). I maintained contact with one of the gals for a brief time and had an intense overnight conversation about relationships, sex, and friendship. She was the first female peer that felt comfortable talking to me about her history with sex, and shared that she'd probably stayed in her last relationship (which was shading vaguely abusive) way too long solely because of the bond and closeness she felt because of sex. I think that revelation was my first hint that I didn't know everything about sex. Well, certainly I knew the consequences, but this might have been the first time that I was introduced to the idea of sex causing bonding where before there might have only been weak attraction or none at all.

Now I'm not 16 any more, but this discussion bubbles to the top of my mind when I'm asked about promiscuity, premarital sex, or casual sex. My personal experiences haven't ever really conflicted with that late-night conversation. I can understand the desire for casual sex, but can't say much about sex has ever been casual to me. A new friend of mine told me that wasn't her experience at all, which was surprising. Though now I wonder whether she meant that wasn't her experience with the attitudes of men she knew, as opposed to her personal experience.

I don't know whether this was a coordinated thing, but my LDS friends have all casually (or not so casually) mentioned the idea of LDS chastity to me, all in the space of a very few days (what's up with the chastity message, people?). Chastity as in premarital chastity. I know I'm old now because I can certainly understand the motivations behind that attitude. Maybe I look back and and see that some of the experiences I had as a young person could have been delayed. Chastity, in my mind, has it's problems. Sexuality is just so complex, over time (and even over not so much time), that I wonder how people could make a marriage commitment without knowing their long-term sexual compatibility. One friend floated the idea that talking about expectations ahead of time would be a good step, as would faith and a commitment to work on things that might come up. Those are definitely great ideas, but nothing is quite like the actual thing, over time, in real-life, less-than-ideal conditions. And by implication, doesn't that mean that people are getting married without first living together? Another thing that amazes me.

Whoops, what's right for me? I guess I think there's a middle ground between chastity and promiscuity.

I think the official position is that sex is something that should be limited to people in a committed and caring relationship, which pretty much describes my attitude.

[EDIT: Added Question]
Let me throw out the question of premarital chastity to my legions of readers who experienced that kind of culture. Was it difficult to negotiate different expectations before and after marriage? How about my married readers who didn't grow up in that kind of culture? Any insights?