Bachelor Rules #2

Rule #2: Ixnay the Oozebay

That's right, when you're a bachelor, no booze. Booze is something they drank in old timey times. In gangster-owned speakeasies in the 1940's. During the late 1950's after Archduke Ferdinand was assassinated and WWII broke out. When Lincoln said "Four score and pass the booze."

Maybe I'm not being clear, you can still drink the stuff, but the modern bachelor doesn't refer to it as "booze." We call it hard alcohol, or if we're in the company of men, the hard stuff (yes, that's vaguely homoerotic; That's how bachelors act in the company of men).

Exceptions:

• Ironic humor
  Mother: I'd like a margarita too.
  Son: Coming right up, boozie boozerson.
• Time Travel
  (Self explanatory)

Bachelor Rules #1

I think there are some unspoken rules about life as a bachelor. Some guys never have the good fortune of being taught, which I hope to rectify in a new series of posts (that I'll post whenever I happen to think of a new rule).

Rule 1: No Shopping Carts

When you go grocery shopping for yourself, you can't use a shopping cart. This isn't always convenient. It isn't always pretty. But it's the rule.

Exceptions:

• Party Supplies


• Beer
  Yes, just beer. No, not wine. Unless it's for a party. See the first exception.


• Girlfriend
  If you're shopping with your girlfriend, a cart is almost mandatory.
  If you're shopping for your girlfriend, it's optional. And a quick tip, if you're still embarrassed to buy sanitary supplies for your girlfriend, simply putting them in a cart reduces the embarrassment factor by two orders of magnitude. Even if it's the only thing you're buying. Really. Oops, except when you're at Costco and all they sell are 100-packs.