If You Like Pina Coladas

I just watched a hilarious segment of Anthony Bourdain's traveling food show, No Reservations, where Tony visits Puerto Rico (or The PR, as I like to call it).

Voice Over: My Spanish may be a bit shaky, but the most important thing is to not screw this up, to not do the usual glossy hotel channel take on this island. I mean, after all, I'm not here for the all inclusive package. This is the anti-tourist show, right? Having said that, I think the producers of this particular episode may have done their research in a cruise ship office, which is why, dear viewer, this trip begins in the unholy trinity of hotel/casino/souvenir district of old San Juan, home of the Barrachina Cafe, the alleged birthplace of the aforementioned gringo favorite, the Pina Colada. Or at least that's what the plaque by the door says.

Tony: "If I wanted to make shows like Rachel Ray, I would come here."

Voice Over: Now tourist-snaring plaques of dubious historical merit normally don't do it for me. But we are talking about alcohol here.
[Tony grimaces then steps inside the Barrachina]

So, I was willing to overlook the La Quinta Inn style decor, the obvious hordes of Carnival Cruise thrill-seekers.
[Tony stands outside the restaurant as tourists file by behind him]

But hey, if I have to drink on camera it might as well be the very best you can get, right? Hand crafted, just for me in the place of it's birth, lovingly poured straight from the ...
[record scratch to silence]
Semi-Serve 5000 frozen drink machine?! What the fuck?!

Tony: "Apparently the recipes are all for industrial portions."

Bartender: "We use one can of coconut, and four cans of pineapple juice.
[pours]
There's the coconut. You can see the coconut is very nice.
[Tony stares unbelievingly]
These are the pineapple juice...
[Bartender pours two cans in at once]

Tony: "Can you just make me one drink?"

[Bartender pours second pair of cans]

Tony: "Instead of an industrial vat?"

[Bartender pours mix into frozen drink dispenser]

Voice Over: Yup, nothing says the original like 20 gallons of pre-made mix! But aren't we missing one key ingredient?

Tony: "What about the rum?"

Bartender: "We just put the rum in the glass, and then put the pina colad mix inside the glass. Easy."

Voice Over: Wow, that's depressing.

--- --- ---

Tony: "That was extremely depressing, wasn't it? You ever see Puerto Ricans sitting around in large numbers, drinking Pina Coladas? I haven't."

[Tony walks past a Pizza Hut]
"What is the real Puerto Rico? I have no idea, but I know that that was not it."

Voice Over: It's times like this, you wish you had a local by your side.

Tony: "I should just call my old shop steward, Ernesto. I stabbed him in the hand, once, with a meat fork. After which we became really good friends."

--- --- ---

Voice Over: They like their pork out here, and no one more so than the Lechonera Los Pinos.

[Tony stares through a window at pigs on spits]

Tony: "Oooh, look at this! Come on! Oooh, yes! Oh, you are mine! Oh magical animal!"

Voice Over: Each one of these 300 lb beasts is lovingly marinated basted, roasted, then hacked apart by owners Tomas and Carmen, yielding one of the most sublime meats imaginable. Mmmmm, pig!

Tony: "Well, clearly we're going to have to eat here."

[Tony stands at the ordering station rubbing his hands together]

Tony: "Ok, I'm going to need the undivided attention of at least two or three of these employees. I want some head, I want some ass, and I want some ... that doesn't sound good, does it?"

[Man cuts cheek off of pig]

Tony: "God, look at that. That's the single best piece on the pig. Once you've got the cheek, you're pretty much in God's country. Some people watch porn. I ..."

Guide: "You watch men chopping pork."

Tony: "Yes... I do."

--- --- ---

[Tony is served]

Tony: "Oh man, look at that, I'm just swooning at this."
Guide: "Looks like there's pork in the beans too."
Tony: "Yes, there must be. A bean without pork is like an orphaned child."

[Tony cuts pork]
Tony: "Oh look at that, it's just moist and tender. It's a gorgeous mosaic of pork. They don't mess it up with sauce."
Guide: "They rub it with garlic and sofrito.... And you just get under the skin, rub the meat with it. They give it a massage."
Tony: "Well that's the way I want to go. Before you put me on the spit, at least give me a fucking massage."

[Tony takes a bite]
Tony: "I want to die with a big mouthful of this."

--- --- ---

Guide: "Did they do it right?"
Tony: "They do it better than right. This is..."
Guide: "We have to kiss Carmen on the way out."
Tony: "Any part of her body she wants."

Truly amazing food porn.