Saturday, April 19, 2008

Awkward Part 5

Can't ever stop feeling Awkward.

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4

So we saw each other at the Fullerton Market. I was with P, and she was with her parents, whom I know (family friends from way back).

Her Mom: Did you hear this one's getting married?
Me: Uh, no!

It's painful to realize that every interaction for over a year has been carefully partitioned and screened. That my view of us as close friends was just ... wrong. That RyanH was correct in his, "Why do you want to do that?" assessment of re-establishing contact.

P: I could see from the way that you interacted with each other that you were terrific friends. And how you wouldn't want to lose that.
Me: It was good. Well, I thought it was. Apparently I was good enough friend to lean on for the bad times and bad news, but not to share in the joy of good times and good news.
P: Yeah, that's fucked up.

OK, maybe she didn't say that last part.

I suppose it was one of those secrets which, when not disclosed early, became more and more difficult to discuss.

Well, I'm happy for her. No really. I met the guy 20 months ago, and he's nice, though I didn't get to know him that well. I even wondered about them hooking up at the time. But to get back on me, it was pretty much the worst way to have a "friend" find out. Oh by the way, I've been dating someone for X months, didn't want to tell you, and now we're engaged. Oh, and you're invited to the wedding.

So I went through shocked, angry, offended, and settled on sad. I'm mourning the friendship I thought we had. Mourning the time I invested in it.

P councils me to not regret the time I spent on it. And not to avoid her or retaliate with the same cut-off of contact.

I'm trying not to give into my "vindictive bastard" side. Past all the feelings about the relationship is the real issue: Not letting this poison me as I move forward.

Maybe I can get some support from my Quakers tomorrow.

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