Awkward

I had an odd situation come up today which I'm not exactly sure how to deal with. I received email today from one of my friends who's been incommunicado for the past three months. I responded as cordially as I could, but it was definitely difficult for me to be anything beyond cordial. It's difficult to reconnect without thinking:

• What's the deal with dropping out on me?
• How much can I emotionally invest in our friendship knowing that every once in a while, you're just going to disappear?
  

Perhaps it's a symptom of my own issues that I have friends that do this. Yes, more than one. In fact, it's two friends who independently dropped-out on me at around the same time. Have I been too dependent on a small number of people for socializing? Perhaps, though that hasn't been as much of an issue with siblings, long-time friends, on-line acquaintances, and new-ish, young-ish friends from OC Quaker Meeting (OCFM represent!). If this is what feeling needy is like, I hate it. I hate feeling dependent on anyone or any thing for my emotional stability.

Grr. Didn't I just spend part of an evening talking to EVH about this? I think my main conclusions on that evening were that there's not going to be a cathartic moment on this issue. Catharsis is for the movies.

One part of me is saying that losing weight is making me more hormonal and thus, more irritated by this situation. Another part is telling me that these friends knew about that too. 33 year-old me hates 16 year-old me who seems to be showing up to suggest emotional reactions on this issue. It's ironic, of course, that I was such a terrible friend at 16.

I honestly thought I had put this issue to bed. I can't control other people; I can't really control how I react emotionally; All I can do is make the best choices and plans that I can, and execute them as best I can. How do I do that in this situation? Oops, my philosophy breaks down, since it was emotionally painful enough for me to not want to think about it, much less plan out what I should do. Be cordial. Be friendly. Be emotionally guarded?

How horrible is it that my plan is to be emotionally walled-off? Is it better if I phrase it "emotionally protective?" Gah, thinking about this is like ripping off a band-aid and digging at a cut until it starts bleeding again. I'm too in-my-head on this issue.

Wow, is blogging about revealing feelings like this? It's truly embarrassing to do a brain-dump like this and have people I know read about it. JR and JR reveal amazingly personal things about their marriage and relationship that's humbling to read about. This crap I'm going through just doesn't seem that important, even to me. In my head. My body doesn't seem to agree, dumping adrenaline into my bloodstream at the hint of contemplating the situation.

One blogging down-side: I can usually spend three minutes a week thinking about this instead of most of a day planning to write and thirty minutes writing about it. Suck.

Today must be a day of re-connection, as I got a call from Hightop. Another Tech friend of ours is going to be in town tomorrow, but my plans are already set and I won't be able to meet up with them. How horrible is it that this is my afterthought of the day? Note to self: reconnect with Hightop when he gets back in town (three weeks, I think).